I did it wrong. I can admit that now. We started off in a bad place and descended into utter chaos and disarray. First mistake: not sleeping the night before. What can I say, I was nervous and terrified. My labor never took off on it's own so we were getting induced. I was feeling a little bummed out that things hadn't gone as smoothly on the back end as they had on the front but, what can you do? He didn't want to leave. That's the way they are some times.
Second mistake: B didn't sleep either. So not only was I tired, he was practically DELIRIOUS. That's not good at all. He had 2 hrs, I had 4. We were both seriously hurting. Thankfully my mom was there and well rested. We'd have been fubar otherwise.
Third mistake: I only had a small breakfast. Patricia the midwife told me to have a good breakfast, but I was not sure that was a good idea. I should have done it anyway. I was starving most of the day.
Well, more mistakes later. What actually happened?
We got to the hospital and things were pretty good. Check in went smoothly and they took us to our room. We got settled in and they made me put on the gown. Wish I didn't have to, but I didn't have a robe really to go with stuff. and they were going to give me and IV so I think I needed to wear the gown. I had my camisole underneath though. The room was FREEZING. Note to friends: pack a sweater. And have any cold natured relatives pack them too. The three of us were freezing most of the time. I know they leave it cold (and I realized this at the time as well) because labor it hot and sweaty work when it gets going. Unfortunately, it took a LONG time for mine to get going and we were chilled to the bone in the mean time.
DJ was not cooperating from the start. The nurse & midwife team needed a 20 minute baby movement strip to be able to start my IV. Well, DJ doesn't like monitors and would bump up against it repeatedly every 5 minutes or so. He'd wiggle to the other side of the belly, in so much as he could in the awful reclined position they had me in. He never liked me laying back like that. Can't say as I blame him. It gets boney in the back, I imagine. Cramped, as if it weren't a tight fit already. So that frustrated efforts. We arrived at 8am. They weren't ready for my IV until 11 am. Yeah, that's a long time.
So at 11, we had the fourth mistake. My IV entry fiasco. I was obviously not in a good state of mind for this. I am terrified of needles to begin with and this nurse was not really receptive to that. And I freaked out a bit. So my vein rolled and then popped. That hurt, but it wasn't that bad. Sore and uncomfortable mostly. But it freaked me out because it meant she would have to use my hand instead. The idea of a needle going into my hand was more than I could take after a busted blood vessel. It took me 20 minutes to mentally recover from the experience enough to let her put it in my hand. She said she had never seen another case of needle fear as bad as mine. Can I express to you how NOT reassuring that was? Thanks lady. :-P After some meditative efforts, I allowed her to put the needle in my hand. It still didn't go well and was SORE has hell for the rest of the day and night. (And it took more than 2 weeks for the bruise to heal)
But we finally got it in and they started me on the petocin. Joy. I got a couple of good contractions at first, and then bupkiss. Nothing. Mild little contractions like I'd been having all along. Half the time I didn't even notice them. That's not a good sign. They bumped up the petocin every 30 minutes. After about an hour and a half, I didn't even notice. Around 2pm, I went to sleep at the suggestion of my mother. So did B, or at least he tried. I slept fine.
The midwife stirred me out of dream land around 3:30, wanting to check my cervix. She reluctantly let me wake up before she did that. It's like, "Look, Lady. You're about to touch my tonsils going through the other side. Can you give me a minute? I know you're working here but DAMN." When I came in, my cervix was at 2 maybe 3 centimeters. Now it was a solid three. Woop tee freaking do dah. Well, I wasn't expecting much. The contractions were practically nonexistent. So she said she would break my water. She got one poking stick thing, and couldn't puncture it. So she got another and kept getting stuck on my labia.
And this is where the fun really began.
Within two minutes I was having serious contractions that were just a few minutes apart. And they were hard core. That mess hurt. Mom was super excited. I was having difficulty using my breathing tools. I was kind of shocked by the sudden nature of the thing. The nice nurse told me to rate my pain from a zero being no pain to a 10 meaning the worst head splitting pain I'd ever felt in my life. The cramps ramped up from a 1 to a 5 in no time flat. I told her when they got to seven, I wanted drugs. I think that took less than one hour.
And this is where I made my final mistake. People, listen to me. Take the Epi. Who cares about your spine, man. TAKE THE EPI!!! Nubain is for idiots who don't know better. Fools with a higher pain tolerance than me. Or for people who like to go through their labor in a state of semi-conscious insanity. Next time, I'm taking the Epidural right off the damned bat and making GOOD friends with my anesthesiologist. This is when labor REALLY started to suck.
The pain was mildly less, but the nubain made me loopier than a trapeze artist. I was half out of my mind most of the time. Breathing exercises? pfffft. Yeah right. I cursed a couple of times and then was too out of it to even formulate words half the time. There was actually an occasion when I was drifting in and out of consciousness and thought I was dreaming that I was in labor. The signal of the matrix was fading people and I was getting some NASTY feedback. The pain quickly ramped back up to a seven and then beyond. I'm not sure at what point the pain was at a ten, but I remember moaning and not even being able to breathe, then not having the strength to scream.
My sister called about that time, and wondered why the HELL I didn't take the epi. All that pain AND a needle in my back? Yeah, I was not mentally prepared for that. I didn't think I could handle it. Even with all of the happy epidural stories I'd heard, I just couldn't bear the idea of someone putting anything in my lower back, particularly with my lower back issues. (I get my bad back from my dad. The doctor said we need a back-i-otomy.) So I suffered.
Don't think I didn't ask for more drugs. I did. But DJ's heart rate dropped from 120 bpm to 100 and they said that I couldn't have any more. Probably would have made me loopier anyway. ugh. So I got to experience the rest of labor au natural, with mild mental issues. Yeah... next time we're doing it different. Next they put a gas mask on me so that the baby would get enough oxygen. This then made me hot and made it feel difficult to breathe. I felt closed in and claustrophobic. At one point they said I could take off the mask while pushing, I think, but I wasn't conscious enough to do it myself. And I think B and my mom were too preoccupied to help with that.
Mom was AWESOME throughout the labor though. She rubbed my head and ran her fingers through my hair. She told me I was doing great. She kept us together. Once I was ready to start pushing, she was down in the DANGER zone watching everything and trying to get my midwife to apply counter pressure to my back door so that it wouldn't explode. The midwife didn't have the right idea, but mom kept trying.
B was mildly helpful as a focal point, but as a coach he was missing something. I think neither of us were really together enough to know what we were doing. We had some minor practice but we really didn't practice at home together. We should have done, and I will next time. Then he made one fatal flaw. Thinking I'd passed out for a period of time, he went to his computer and started fiddling. I woke up from a daze expecting him next to the bed, and he was MIA. Not cool. I told him to get back to the bed. And to leave the computer alone. But he did it again. If I'd had the strength to get up out of the bed and beat on him, I would have. I gave him some strongly worded advice about staying next to the bed and he was there the rest of my labor.
I don't know how long I was pushing. Suddenly it was dark in the room and the bright lights of the exam table were on me. The midwife kept trying to get me to "curl around your baby and push him out." Yeah, that wasn't working so much. I didn't have the strength to lift myself up and grab my legs. Mom had a foot in her hand and she pushed it up to my face for me though, which was bomb. The midwife was encouraging, but really it was mom and her excitement that helped keep me going. She was down there going, "Oh my goodness! He's got a ton of hair!" She seemed totally in awe of what I was doing. Hell, looking back on it now I'm amazed I did it. Even now the memory of the pain is starting to fade.
At first, I couldn't feel DJ at all. He was pretty high up most of the time and it took a lot of work to get him into the birth canal. Once there, he kept sliding back in. It's really a hard feeling to describe. You wonder how that thing is going to fit through (both me and mom did). And I was worried enough to vocalize that I didn't think he would fit. But he did, eventually. And slowly he made his way down. The first push of every contraction was a wash, because I inevitably pushed with the front and not the back. That's the only way I can describe it. I was bearing down, but not using the right muscles. It really does feel like you're pushing through a big dump. Probably why you end up blowing out your "O-ring" when you're doing it. And I kept waiting for her to push against my bum so that I could match the push. Eventually I gave up and just pushed as hard as I could.
Suddenly, I got a HUGE contraction and it was like hitting the motherload. DJ shot straight through crowning and got stuck at his nose. Damn B and his big nose! Ha! And I could tell it was his nose. It was almost as if I could feel the contours of his face down there. And then I experienced the ring of fire. HOLY COW. It really does feel like you're business is BURNING. Like your baby's head is branding your cooch. It was EXCRUCIATING. And that was when I was able to speak again for the first time in a while. I shouted, "Get it out! Get it out!" To which the midwife responded, "Hold on." I didn't have the strength or where with all to retort but I was thinking she was out of her COTTON PICKING MIND if she thought I was going to sit there with his head stuck there burning and ripping my shizzle and just wait. Pffft! Suddenly there was a lot of commotion, as if they weren't ready for him to come out yet. But I was.
At the next contraction, that kid was COMING OUT. And he did. And he pretty much came flying out at that point. That part felt very much like it does when you get an enema and once the main blockade goes everything else comes sailing out in a torrent. Yeah... lumpy baby bits shooting out and then nothing but the tail. Well, the umbilical cord. But it felt like a little tail. And I could feel it still going up in there.
Next I heard funky suction sounds. And then the all too familiar "waaaaaahh!!" of newly born baby. Then, they flopped him onto my belly and said, "Here's your son." I couldn't even speak, I was so tired and overwhelmed. I looked down for just a second, just enough to see the purple-y mess on my tummy and then settled back again. "Great," I thought. "I'll just lie here for a few minutes. He'll be there when I'm ready. I'd love to sleep for like 3 days now. Thanks." Eventually they took him back, after they did the cord blood banking business.
Then they offered to let B cut the cord. He was looking green and rattled there and told them. "No, that's alright. I'll leave that to the professionals." They asked him if he was sure. I guess mom looked interested because he offered to let her cut the cord. Mom was so excited. She did. They took DJ to weigh him and put him in some clothes. I was surprised that he was only 6 lbs 7.1 oz. They said he was 21 inches long, but we have reason to believe they were smoking crack. Oh well.
After they carted the baby off to do the baby stuff to him, my midwife started making me uncomfortable and keeping me from resting. All of it was necessary though. First, she poked and rubbed on my belly to get out the placenta. Never saw it. I kind of wonder what it looked like now, but I may not really want to know. You know? Anyway, when she was done with that she proceeded to stitch up my business. I had a second degree tear on the right side and some minor damage on the left. Funny. Couldn't feel her stitching up the right at all, where it apparently tore into my lower labia. Yeah. OUCH.
But on the left side I could still feel her poking and pricking me. She gave me another shot of anesthetic, but it didn't help. Compared to the ring of fire and transition contractions, I'd say the sharp poking was a minor nuisance. I decided to shut up and deal. Then, she kept brushing up against my clitoris, which was all overstimulated and that was supremely annoying. I had no idea that the whole area would feel crazy like it did. Someone mentioned to me later that there's a lot of blood flow down there when you're delivering. You just don't think about it before you do it.
Finally I had enough strength to sit up and hold DJ for the first time. He was bug-eyed and funny looking, with a dark head of hair, but mostly bald on top and these big dark eyes that just stared at you. Funny looking, but cute as the dickens. I was worried I wouldn't like the way he looked at first, but I thought he was brilliant right from the start. I could hardly believe this little person just came out of me. Sometimes I still can't.
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